Quieting The Noise

Everyone knows I don't get super personal, even in real life I value and protect my private life as much as I can. I believe in building quietly and celebrating when accomplished. The most personal thing I have shared and do acknowledge publicly a few times a year, is losing our baby boy 🩵. Today, Vincent Joseph JR. would be 8 years old. He should be 8 years old. He should be going to school in the morning, playing at the park in the afternoon, playing ball games ⚾️  and participating in all his favorite sports 🏒  and activities on the weekends. Instead, today we have cake 🎂 in his honor, while his great grandparents snuggle him tight, up in heaven.

And today, I have a lot to say.

At age 23 I was told if I ever wanted to have kids to try to do so before I turned 28 or else it would be extremely difficult due to my PCOS diagnosis. So we tried. And tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. 14 years, 4 miscarriages, a pre-term stillbirth, a "pregnancy of unknown location", dozens and dozens of medicated cycles, 6 rounds of failed IUI's, an IVF cycle, 3 failed embryo transfers (the 4th one coming up in a few weeks), dozens of procedures, hundreds of early morning scans, thousands of needles 💉, millions of tears, and nothing to show for it except for a bunch of permanent bruises and scars.

I wound up in the hospital on May 8th, which also happened to be Mother's Day. I knew he was coming and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. I remember praying that he would at least hold off and not be born until it was officially May 9th, and he did. Coincidentally, he wound up sharing a birthday with a close friend of mine who had died 8 years earlier 🧡

Some people get offended or upset and say I've changed, that I'm different, more reserved, keep to myself too much, etc. Well, if you have been through what I have, you'd be different and changed too ☠️ I've spent years spiraling in different ways, trying to fight all of the noise and anger and sadness and guilt inside my head. It's loud. Very loud. So yes, I'm quiet.

Until now, I never really actually faced and dealt with our biggest loss, I just tried to mask all of the hurt and power through it. I was told this lead to what's called "leaking", which means I would breakdown over the littlest, stupid things at random times or that the smallest things would trigger crying but I would force myself to stop as hard as I could. I would "leak" and plug it right back up quick so nobody noticed.

This year I committed to try and manage my stress, anxiety, and PTSD in ways that are healthier to my mental health. I decided that if you are not someone who contributes genuineness, calmness, peacefulness, and positivity to my life, I no longer have the energy, patience, or acceptance to be around you. I have not had a drop of alcohol since 2024 started. My therapist said I sound dead inside and that I needed to find an outlet. I started cooking and baking more regularly, trying new recipes, learning new skills, sticking to routines, cutting out toxins. Hence all of the annoying pictures you see of the things that I make... welcome to my outlet! (I'd say I hope you enjoy watching my journey, but I honestly don't care if you do.. block me if you don't! 😂☠️ #byefelicia)

SO, I come home every day around the same time and put my music on and get to cooking and/or baking and I can feel the stress from the day melting away. It helps me focus on something other than pain. I am creating my own calm, and protecting it with everything I've got. I don't have time for anymore chaos. I don't have room inside my head for anymore or anyone's negative energy... for anymore sadness. I don't care what anyone has to say, or think about how I act, feel, look, think, live my life, or how I choose to heal. If you don't bring me peace, then peace out ✌️ I'm making no apologies.

2024 I am healing. I am growing. I am calming the chaos. I may still spring a "leak" here and there, but I am quieting the noise.

I'm focusing all my energy on being the best version of me, so that hopefully one day I'll get to be the best mom. And maybe, just maybe... all of these scars won't be for nothing.